I Hurt When You Do

here i am again, unsure what to call the thoughts that flit about my head this afternoon. i know i'm in the middle of finals week--don't worry, i've got my priorities straight-- so i will try to keep this brief.

i've been keeping tabs on friends lately, either through get-togethers, conversations, or reading about their lives on their blogs. up till now, i've been relatively able to read/listen sans involvement. i usually don't post comments to any of their depressing, more troubling entries. i generally don't email or call them when things seem to be getting rough for them. when we meet up to talk, i listen to their problems in silence. it's not that i don't care. i read and listen because i care. it may seem callous at times when i don't cry with you or when i don't say anything after one of your emotional rants, but believe me when i say that my silence is the best help i can offer you. my silence carries all the understanding and sympathy my limited vocabulary cannot convey, and more important than that, it carries my sincerest prayers for you. i simply am unable to participate in your misery. i would if i could, but, selfish as this may sound i have to protect myself. from what, you asked. by distancing myself, i protect myself from falling right next to you in that same pit of despair and loneliness. i've been through that hell before, and in some ways it's made me stronger. but i know i'm not strong enough to fight it a second time-- like giving liquor to reformed alcoholics. there are days when i feel its return, but then i combat it by filling myself with Love and the joy, the happiness that accompanies His presence. and when i am so full of His joy, i cannot be unhappy; it goes against the nature to even try to be unhappy, even for the sake of others.

ultimately, i won't apologize for being unable to be unhappy and angry with you. on the other hand, i am sorry that my joy and contentment with life bothers you because i wish you, too, could have all that is in my heart. and until the day when you do experience it... i'll be quietly sitting by your side, listening and praying for you.